The last time...

The last time I wrote I was fearful of putting myself out there.  I was on a mission to date lots of boys by signing up on every dating app imaginable.  I did Bumble, eHarmony, Christian Mingle and Plenty of Fish.  I was even contemplating signing up for Farmers Only.com because they say it's not for farmers only.  I had a big plan.  I was going to flirt and go on dates and then write about it.  Well how come the first one that I responded to on Plenty of Fish got me?  I caught a live one and I've been hooked on him ever since.

The last time I blogged I was scared to death, living off of Jesus and anti-depressants.  Kindness was off putting and hearing I was beautiful was a joke.  But some how this little goldfish got me to believe him.  I've been so afraid to mention him because I don't want to jinx anything.  Like saying "pinch poke you owe me coke" was going to stop my heart from being broken.  I haven't publicly talked about him because he is very special to me.  He's my 2nd chance and I feel like God has put him in my life to teach me that it's okay to let someone love you.  It's okay to feel pretty.  It's okay to feel vulnerable and share your feelings.  It's okay to trust.  I have been holding on to so many bad habits from my marriage and this man is slowly teaching me with his unknowing kindness that I'm okay just the way I am.

The last time I loved I thought it was forever.  I was living the same boring day, over and over again, barely making it off my "fake it till you make it" mentality.  I wouldn't actually call that time of my life living.  I was surviving.  Not thriving.just existing.  Getting through the day just to do it all over again the next.  It was groundhog day and not a good day.  Then something wonderful happened.  I was released and set free.  I was me again.  Free to start over.  Free to come up for air.  Free to try new things.  I had been given a second chance and I'm not going to waste it.  That's where Andrea 2.0 came from.  She is everything I wish  I was.  Brave, daring and doesn't give a shit.  I know sometimes the old me comes back and I hate that old girl.  I practically have to fight her back with a stick!  She is such a wimp and fearful of everything.  She overthinks and analyzes.  She panics and assumes the worst.  And then out of nowhere this loving goldfish comes in and reassures me that Andrea 1.0 and Andrea 2.0 are just a part of me.  The real Andrea.

So I will leave you with that.  My update is simple.  I have a new companion (I realize that sounds like I got a dog but I'm too old to say boyfriend)  Is this little goldfish my forever?  I don't know but right now he's mine and I'm going to enjoy every minute of it.

To my future person...

Now that I've started the dating process again.  I've come to learn a few things about myself.  Number 1, I'm nuts.  Number 2, I'm scared as fuck.  I don't know how to think, act, look,or what to say.  Nothing makes sense to me other than I'm confused as to why I'm here.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy that I'm divorced.  It was the best thing to happen FOR me.  Honestly.  I'm so much happier to be free than to be stuck in a marriage that was going nowhere.   I've just traded one fear for another.

I used to be afraid that I was going to live the rest of my life alone but with a husband.  I was afraid that my heart was never going to feel again.  I was afraid that I was going to die not knowing what true love was like.


To my future person,

If you fall in love with me there are somethings you should know.

I'm scared but not of you.  I'm just deathly afraid to fall in love again.  I'm scared that everything bad anyone has ever said to me is actually true and that you will find out these things and want to leave me too. I'm scared that I am that unlovable, undeserving girl that isn't worth your time or love in return.  I'm afraid that I will say something or do something to make you run.   I will be fearful of your kindness because it's something I will not be used to.  I will probably try and push you away because I'm afraid that you will hurt me.

If you're gonna love me...

You have to be stronger than my fears.  You have to be the calm to my crazy.   You may have to reassure me until I believe you and I'm so sorry.  You will need to know that it will take me sometime to trust you and believe that you are real.  I've been broken and I'm in the process of picking up the pieces.  If you find me during this time, please be patient with me. I will make mistakes but I will be worth it.

If I'm going to fall in love with you, you should know

I will love you like no other.  I will be loyal and believe in you.  I will support you and fight for you.  I will have your back when no one else will.  I will do my best to make you happy and feel wanted.  I will give you all of me and not expect it in return.

And even if you leave me...

I will appreciate the lessons I've learned from loving you.  I will be thankful for the time we shared together.  I will think highly of you and put you in a special place in my heart where everyone that has left me goes.  Even if you leave me, I want you to know that I will be okay and I will try to love again.  I'm the girl that has more love than she knows what to do with.  Sometimes it hurts how much I love the ones I love.  I will not let those that hurt me keep me from finding someone who won't.

To my future person,

I can't wait to be afraid to love you.

    

It's APPS-solutely nuts out there

Patience is a virtue I do not possess.

I've been divorced almost a month now and I think I've been in love like 15 times!  Ha!  Home girl has become a horny teenager trolling for her next conquest.  Any and every guy that gives me attention, my mind IMMEDIATELY thinks I'm going to fall in love with him and get married.  Like everyone.  The mail man didn't have a ring on and he did say Good morning to me so that must mean he's in love with me, right?

Dating after being married nearly 14 years and with the same man for 16 is tough.  I don't know the game.  Everyone meets everyone on an app or at a bar and I'm not cool enough for bars and I have my child all the time.  Plus these apps are so cheesy.   Here are a few gems of the lines I've received on apps:

• Hey, looking for me?  (Not really.)
• Hey sexy mommy.  Need a new kiddo to take care of?"  (He was like 24)  
• What's up cutie mom?  Want to go make out?  (Will that be with or without your gold tooth?)
• YOUR very beautiful.  (Your? Next)  
• Want to show me your boobs? (Yes, guy.  I do.  More than anything in the world)

Oh and my old grandpa neighbor messaged me on an app.  He was like, "hey gorgeous, want to chat?"  This is how that conversation went:  

Me:  "did you used to live on **** Circle?"

Him:  "who do you know or how do you know me?"

Me:  "I think was your neighbor, but married then."

Him: "Which house?  What was your husbands name?"

Me:  "The little white one.  N*** was my husband."

Him:  "Oh yes!  You're divorced now?  Wow!!  He was cool!"  (Uh, not that cool?  He divorced me.)

Me:  "Yes, how are your grandchildren?"

Him:  "They're good.  You are so beautiful.  We should chat since you know me."

Me:  Silence......................

Him:  Hello?  Baby?

Me:  Silence......................

Him:  Don't you think this is fate and we should meet?  

Me:  Delete the app and run away.  

That was a quality man right there.  I'm not quite sure that he's divorced.  He wasn't when we moved.

And what is it about men putting up pics of animals and fish that they've killed?  I've seen so many pics of guys proudly holding up carcasses in their profile pics!  "Wow, guy, that bloody deer you're holding up by the antlers makes you look hot!  Can I get your number?"  Queue the game show buzzer.  Buzzzzzz.  Not a cute look when Bambi's brains are hanging out and you have a smear of it's blood on your camouflage shirt.  

I have no idea what I'm doing on these things and why I'm looking?  I'm so dumb.  I want to have fun and get out there but who am I kidding?  These guys are nuts.  Am I really going to find a quality guy like this?  Probably not.  I want to find someone who makes me feel alive and special and wanted. Part of me wants to create an app for girls like me.  Clueless, divorced moms looking for hot guys to make us feel pretty and buy us stuff.  Think there's a market for that?

All I know right now is, I'm crazy and tired of being alone.  I want to get out and meet people but don't know where to start.  So if you know someone that you think is of quality Andrea 2.0 standards, has a J-O-B, and is okay with not having children, hook a sister up!  

I've always believed that you have to say what you want so hear we go:  

I want a new love in my life. 

I want fun in my life. 

I want laughter in my life.

I want stability in my life. 

I want HOT in my life. (Yes, I do)

I want life in my life.  

Here's to the next chapter and where it takes me.  

Service desk can you hear me?

One sorry ass hothead Hector isn't going to ruin my day.  In fact this loser reignited something in me that I forgot I had.  Fire and happiness.  Those two bad boys are slowly making their way out of me in messed up ways.  Like today for example when I hated people. I know that sounds bad but I honestly really hated people.  Don't judge, you all do it.  I'm pretty sure it's my final period being a bitch deciding to go out just like me.  With a vengeance and a balls to the wall attitude.  So many emotions today.

So what is a wacko to do?  I left work when I had had enough and listened to this song over and over again until I was able to be in polite company.   It took awhile.  I drove around in circles, only I listened to the real version.



When I got home, my daughter and I immediately decided to go straight for the jammies and make dinner.  Life is grand when you don't have to worry about stupid crap.  Like does your husband want a divorce or is your internet crush a psycho?  Now I actually have a chance to figure out what adventure I want to go on next.  I was thinking.  Maybe in order to find my Mr. Right, I should make it a point to look for all the Mr.  Wrongs out there and go on dates with all of them?  A social experiment of sorts.  A dating/Andrea 2.0 version of reverse psychology?  Nah.  I don't want to do that to someone's potential blog topic and I think I'm a little too honest at this point that I don't want to hurt anyone.

The next step is to get back to me.  I'm not going to worry about dumb boys, even though I want to make out so badly.  I'm just going to continue on myself and making the life I live the best I can for myself and my daughter.  Today actually marks the 3 year anniversary of when I started writing and looking for myself.  Who knew 3 year's ago that I would still looking for myself, only this time as a divorced, single mom?  Back then I was miserable at work, looking for a purpose.  I wanted to feel needed and appreciated and was so lost and unhappy.  Looking back on those old blog entries, I realize now that that not only was that the beginning of the end of my marriage but the beginning of new Andrea 2.0.  That blog was my service desk ticket.  My cry for help.  I need to delete all my old files and make room for the new.   Andrea 1.0 just needed an upgrade.

http://doesmybloglookfatinthis.blogspot.com/2013/05/well-hello-andrea.html

I was always trying to be someone else.  Now, I just want to be me.

That's a wrap. The Trilogy is over

It's Friday and now it gets interesting.

The entire day I was freaking out.  What was I going to wear?  What was I going say?  Would he think I was pretty?  What the hell would I do with my hair?  I almost called it off until I got this message from Hector. 

"This has been a great week.  Mainly because of you.  And your divorce attorney.  See you tonight."  

I had to go.  I just had to see what was going to happen.  Maybe I was one of the lucky ones that found their soul mate immediately following their divorce?  My parents met and were engaged after 3 months, maybe I was destined to be with Hot Hector.  Hot Hector is in finance, has 2 degrees, owns land, is handy, 6 ft tall and retired Military Police.  It all was confirmed and super scary.  How in the hell was Hot Hector going to like Average Andrea?  My self esteem has really taken a beating but Andrea 2.0 wasn't going to let Andrea 1.0 sneak back out.  She was going to get her man!  So I hoisted up my best qualities, both of them, and fixed my makeup and went to meet him.  I drove for what seemed like an eternity.  We agreed to meet in a public parking lot and then would decided if I was comfortable enough to go to eat and get drinks.  

I pulled up and called him.  I saw him.  There he was, walking in slow motion towards me in a crisp blue button down shirt and nicely pressed slacks.  She smiled really big when he saw me and said, "wow, you look great!"  My self esteem charged up with that "defibrillation-esque" compliment.  And then he kissed me.  On the mouth!  (I hadn't told anyone this part yet so there you go mother.)  It was just a small peck, but he said he had been wanting to do that all week, so I let him.  That was my first kiss in 16 years from someone other than my husband.  Not too bad and he had really soft lips and smelled delicious.  I decided to let him get in my car and we would drive to dinner.  My thought process behind this was, 

1. I'm not getting in his car because Oprah once said to never let yourself go to the 2nd location when taken by a stranger
   and
2.   If he pulled a fast one and tried any funny business, I had already planned to ram my car into the nearest wall on the passenger side and smash the creep.

We drove to the restaurant and went inside.  There was a 45 minute wait and Hot Hector turned into, "Hot Head Hector" by saying, "Eff that, I'm hungry" in what can only be described as a caveman voice.  So we left.  Strike one.  Then we stopped and he said, "How about here?  I love Greek food."  We walked into a fast food, get in a line, pick your toppings and put them your paper plate on a tray place.  And he went first in the line.  Strike two.  We sat down in our romantic table for 2 by the trash can but not before I got the paper napkins and drinks from the fountain.  He complimented me the whole time he shoveled the toppings from his Greek wrap into his mouth and chewed like cow.  Gross.  Then we started talking about my work.  He understood my job but not the concept behind it. I showed him a video explaining Video Relay Service and American Sign Language that is accessible on Youtube.  He made fun of deaf people and mocked them!  This guy was done.  Bye Felicia.  He even said, "Death People!"  I may not know the language, but I love and respect it enough that it offended me.  Like really pissed me off.  I was looking for an out but I drove.  Shit. 

As we walked out of the joint, he noticed across the shopping center a place he needed to go to for a "few things".  Off we went to freaking, Bed Bath and Beyond.  I was trying to get away from him because he was getting really touchy feely at this point and I was not having it.  I grabbed a shopping cart and began to fill it with things that would be returned later.  I just wanted something between us.  I kept wedging myself between the cart and him so much that I thought he would get the hint.  He didn't.  Hector is stupid.  Lucky for me I had already told him that I had to call my daughter at some point since she was with her daddy and I wouldn't be seeing her until the next day.  She saved me by saying, "Mommy, I forgot my allergy medicine at home but I'll be okay so don't worry."  

Me in a very concerned tone:  "What?  Are you sure?  Look in your bag, honey.  I know you put it in there.  Ask daddy.  Does he have it?  I hope so.  You need it.  No?  I'm coming right now."  

I looked over at Hector and said, "I'm so sorry, I need to leave.  My daughter left her rescue inhaler at home and is having trouble breathing.  We need to go now."  

On that LONG ASS drive home, Hector still kept putting the moves on me.  He was grabbing my hand, brushing my hair from my face and tucking it behind my ear.  I get it dude, you like me.  I had had it.  "Stop touching me please.  I'm having a hard time right now because my ex-husband used to hit me" I said.  I was totally lying because my ex NEVER hit me.  EVER.  But it worked and Hot Head Hector apologized and backed off with the line, "I'm sorry.  I'll be gentle with you."  Ew.  Vomit.  Get out of my car.  

We finally arrived at his car at 845p and he said, "call me later."  I didn't.  But I did text him this morning that I was not interested in seeing him again because he offended my by mocking deaf people and that it was a deal breaker.  I haven't heard from him since.  Good.  

So what have I learned today?  A lot.  I am NOT too fat for Hot guys.  I've still got it and falafel pitas are delicious.  Oh I forgot to mention how he ate the pita straight from my plate after he finished his wrap.    Classy.  

And there you have it.  I've just now become the 38 year old, divorced version of Taylor Swift .  I'm going to write about these locos.  Look out world, I'm going to dedicate this next chapter of my life on finding my newest truest love.  But for now that's a wrap on Hot Hector.

Please enjoy these photos of me and how my night ended...

Adventures of Andrea 2.0 - part 2

Chubby chasing hot guy Hector and I hit it off immediately!  Like really hit it off.  He made me laugh right off the bat.  He was sweet and considerate and didn't come off like a creeper.  *sidenote: Awhile back I got on another app and the creepers were alive and well.  I didn't stay long there but I did screenshot a few creeper cat calls to be used at a later date.  Today is not that date.  Hector was so great and so HOT.  He sent me a gym photo and um yeah.  That's all I'm going to say about that.  Blush.

Hector was winning.  He made me smile and blush every time we messaged.  This app even had the power to send memes and gifs and he got my humor and personality.  I was the real Andrea and my normal representative that shows up was nowhere to be found.  It was fun and flirty and dare I say a little romantic?  Not dirty.  I'm no ho.  He kept asking for my number and I kept saying no.  All I knew was Hector's first name and technically I didn't even know that since he told me he went by his middle name.  Well Andrea 2.0 went on a little online scavenger hunt until she found him.  On Facebook.  For those of you that don't know,  I'm an amateur cyber sleuth by night and can find anything and everything.  Everything he told me was matching up.  Everything.  It was amazing!

We also had so much in common.  So much that I'm going to list them:

1. Loves country music.  He said is favorite was the older stuff.  80's and 90's.  I love 90's country.  So much so that my best friend and I drove to Seattle and back only listening to 90's country.  
2. 90's rap.  I LOVE 90's rap.  I'm always working with my headphones blaring embarrassing music.  Plus we were both WEST Coast!  
3. Favorite thing to do on the weekend?  Sit outside and listen to music.
   
   Now it started to get freaky.  To the point I asked him if he was stalking me.  His reply, "Move to the left, I can't get a clear shot of you ;)"
4. Favorite thing to watch:  Comedians in Cars getting coffee.  WHAT?  I said, "On the count of 3 say your favorite episode."  1. 2. 3.  and in unison we said, "Ricky Gervais."  Soul mate alert.  
5. Left handed
6. WWII lover and was fascinated with Eagle's Nest and Check Point Charlie.  I've been to both places.
7. Didn't have kids and was okay with it because he wanted to travel.  I want to travel. 
8. Divorced.   
9. Loves stupid youtube videos and can quote movies.  Hey, me too!! 

Somewhere during the common interest discovery process I noticed on his facebook page, (okay I was obsessing over it), the "people you may know" tab under his friends list so I clicked on it.  Jackpot!  We had over 10 friends that had friends with people I knew.  People I trusted and loved.  So you best believe I called them.  For verification purposes only of course.  This Hector came with rave reviews from multiple sources so I gave him my real number and we agreed to meet on the Friday after my divorce was final.  It was on.  I was so excited and so was he.  One problem.  He had only seen my face and was way hotter than me.  Queue the nervous diarrhea and hopefully I can lose 5 lbs by Friday.  I decided to do something bold.  Really bold for me.  I sent him a full bodied, fully clothed selfie with the following message:

"This is all of me so there are no surpises.  I'm not a skinny Minnie.  Tell me now if you don't want to meet after this.  I'm not about wasting my time, flirting with boys who aren't going to be interested in me."


I got this response.

"1st, I'm no boy.  2nd, I'm interested"

HOT.  Like really hot. I blushed and went about my day.  This went on and on until Friday.  We texted all day at work and talked for hours on the phone after my daughter went to sleep every night.  He was so sweet and I was so excited to meet him.

Friday is here.  

Adventures of Andrea 2.0 part 1

Okay now that I'm officially divorced, I decided to just continue with the reoccurring theme that has now become my life.  If I'm unhappy, I'm going to do something about it.  You know me.  The new Andrea 2.0 is a risk taker/no regrets type of girl.   It's now or never.  I'm living, "balls to the wall" and jumping in headfirst so why not try dating?  You read that right.  Andrea 2.0 went on a date!

Before I get into the full details of the above mentioned date, let's do a little backstory.  Yes, you will have to be patient and read this today.  And I will blog about my date later.  I'm a lady and I can't give away the cow or the milk or whatever that stupid saying is.  So where was I?  Oh yeah.  Back story.  The week before I was officially divorced, I was talking to one of my single friends about this "fantastic" app she was trying called Bumble.  She was raving about how fun it was and how it's harmless and flirty it was.  Well sign my ass up.  So I did.

Here's how it works.  This app is kind of like Tinder where you swipe to the left if you are interested and swipe to the right if you are not, but with a twist.  If you have a match, meaning the guy also swiped to the right after reviewing your profile, you get this cute little message that pops up that says, "You have a bee in your hive" or something cute like that.  The guys are not allowed to contact you, you have to initiate the conversation and you only get so many spots in your beehive.  In other words no hoarding honeys.   (I just made myself laugh way too hard at that.)  Here's the interesting part of the app.  Once you have a match, the females only have 24 hours to initiate the conversation or the connection is over.  Genius!  No creepers can talk to me unless I let them.  The pressure is on like donkey kong.

There I was all alone on my sofa staring at the first guy.  My finger was slightly trembling and hovering over my phone as I looked at this first guy.  He was HOT!  Like really hot.  A little too hot to be interested in plain ole me, so my low self esteem allowed my polished finger to swipe him to the left.  Bye Bye hot guy.  Next.  Another hot guy! Swipe left.  And another.  WTF?   This is a stupid app that must be for hot people only.  Young, fit supermodels and I have no business on it.  Swipe left.  I did this until I came to an ugly.  My head and body perked up on my couch.  I found one!  Okay, he wasn't that ugly but moderately unattractive.  So guess what I did?  I swiped right just to see if this "ugly" was going to like me.  A Match!  I had a match!  I was so excited and as sick as it sounds, it gave me a boost of self confidence because someone liked me.  I wasn't rejected!  Go Andrea 2.0 with your bad self.  You have a bee in your hive.  A crusty, slightly wonky bee but a bee nonetheless.  I kept doing this and before I knew it I only had 2 slots left in my hive and I had filled it with uglies!  Crap.  I need to find a hot one to try it on.  Maybe I can find a hottie that also happens to be a chubby chaser.  So I took a chance on the next profile.   I carefully reviewed it like I buying a car and shit.

Educated?  Nice.  He's smart.

Muscles?  Yes, I like muscles.

Good teeth? Very good. He has teeth and dental hygiene is important to both of us.  Our first mutual interest. Excellent.

Likes country music and sitting outside?  Sold!!!

So I nervously swiped right.  To my surprise.  A MATCH!  Andrea 2.0 had a Hot Match!!  Now I had only 24 hours to contact him.  Was I going to message him or not?  Hell no!!  But I had a hot match and that's all that mattered.  This was me.



The next day, I got alerts as the matches started expiring.  One by one the ugly bees were being exterminated.  Then I got an alert about the hot one with less than an hour to go before his untimely death.  (Hot one needs a name so let's call him, Hector.  My friends will get this.)  The alert said  "Hector has used his one extension on you! You have 24 MORE hours to connect" or something like that.  Holy Crap!  He used his one daily extension on me?   I decided to live by my new balls to the wall attitude and start a conversation.  I need to say something cool and sexy because I'm cool and sexy.  It has to be smart, sassy and show who I am.  I panicked.  What was I going to say?  I got it.
.
.
.
.
.
"Hi"

His response was equally eloquent.

"Hi :)"

Happy REBIRTHday to me!!

No words, just excitement for my new life.

Here's to the next year.  Happy REBIRTHDAY to me!!

An open letter to my husband....

Well.  This is it.  It's over.  Today is my last Saturday night as your wife.  Every day until Wednesday will be the last as well.  There is no going back so here we go.  I know right now I can't talk to you so I thought this would be the next best thing.  I have so much to say to you, but I don't have the strength or courage to do so.

The day you told me it was over, my world changed.  It was a quick, gut wrenching decision that rocked my whole world.  It was a knife to my heart even though I understand it now.  You stopped believing in us and you gave up because you had to.  You needed to be free and there was nothing I could to do to change your mind so I let you.  Do you remember when I had so much faith and hope that I would have never entertained that or let you talk  that way?   What happened?   I can tell you exactly.   Life happened.  We both gave up and I'm so sorry we did.  When it was good, it was great.  But when it was bad, it was unbearable.  I'm just so sorry that our lives have come to this and it kills me that when we see each other we can barely make eye contact.  You were my whole world.  My future.  My whole heart.  Now you are just the father of my child not even my friend.

I want you to know that I still believe in you.  I want nothing but the very best for you always.  I want you to live your life in such a way that everyone around you sees how amazing you are.  Show them. Please show them!!   It's there.  It's always been.  I wouldn't have stayed 16 years with you if it was all terrible.  You can be so great if you let yourself.

I was always proud to be your wife.  Each time I signed my name, I signed it with a heart full of pride.  I was your wife!  What a thrill that was to say I was Mrs. A****.  I had the same name as the love of your life.  Your mother!  What an honor.  In a few days, I will no longer be a Mrs and it's okay.  I don't want you to worry about me or be sad for me.  I am going to be just fine.  I'm strong and I have hope for my future.  And believe me when I tell you,  I will love again.  And I will love them just as much as I loved you.  With my whole heart, unconditionally and steadfast.

I want you to know another thing.  You DID NOT ruin love for me.  It proved it to me.  All of this pain I feel has just shown me how real and beautiful love is.    Because even though I want to punch you in the nuts and curse you out until you are in the fetal position, I want you to be happy and fulfilled in life.  I want that so much I'm willing to sacrifice my wants for YOU.  Do you understand how rare that is?  Think  about it.  Really think about it.  Even though you think you are ending our marriage,  I am truly the one letting YOU go.  I didn't want this.  I never wanted this but at the end of the day I know my worth.  I'm worth more than this heartache so please don't be sad for me.  I will find someone who will love me the way you couldn't.  I will find someone who sees all that I am offering to them and not only willingly accept it but cherish and protect it.  I will find someone who is honored to be MY husband.  Who will love me without condition.  Through good times and bad.  For better or worst.  The way I loved YOU.

 But tonight I will be devastated and mourn your loss all over again like it just happened.  I just needed this one last cry.  This one last sad song before I start to live again, because I will.  I'm going to pick myself up tomorrow morning like tonight never happened.  Like I didn't just cry myself to sleep and on Monday I will proudly sit beside you at our daughter's band concert as if this message never happened.  But this time I will be her proud mother no longer your wife.   This Wednesday is my 38th birthday and our divorce day.  At 9am I will walk out of that courthouse and turn the page on this chapter of my life.   I will wake up and move on.  I will go back to work like nothing happened.  I will not let my happening destroy my happiness.  I will live and love again.

Goodbye my love.  My heart.  My husband.

Not sure if the world is ready, but I am. Plus Beyonce is always the answer

Holy crap.  I'm really doing okay.  It's scaring me.  I'm less than one week from "D Day" aka Divorce Day.  I thought for sure I'd be in the fetal position singing freaking "Kumbaya" holding my wedding album.  But....I'm not.  I'm sitting with my head held high, hopeful for the future with a new attitude.  I think I am going to make it.  There will be no casualties due to this war.  War is over.

But that doesn't mean I'm ready to be his friend.  I have my limits.  In fact, I haven't talked to him about anything other than our daughter and I've been at peace with it.  I don't think I've talked to him in 2 or 3 days.  I'm adjusting to the loss of my friend just fine.  Today I went like a whole 6 hours without thinking about the divorce and I actually said "my ex-husband" sans tears.  Yes, I said sans.   I'm fancy that way.  

So what is next for me?  This summer I'll be going through a lot.  I'm having a hysterectomy in June.  I'll be out of work for 6 weeks and hanging out with my sweet daughter.  I plan on having the best summer and life.  No more waiting for life to happen.  I'm going to make it happen for myself.  I'm going to paint the town red.  Live to the fullest and date.   Can I let you in on a little secret?  I can't wait to date!!!  I'm going to get gussied up and make out with boys like the good ole days.  Maybe not boys but you know what I mean.  But yes,that was plural.  Ha.  I'm not going to be Samantha from Sex and the City but I'm not going to be Charlotte either.  Plus my divorce attorney is gay.  Womp womp.  I was joking with my friend the other day that I was going to leave the court house JUST like this...

Watch out world.  Andrea 2.0 is coming out.  Sans actually coming out. 

One more time!

Because sometimes you need to hear a song over and over again to believe it.  :)

I don't wanna be left behind
Distance was a friend of mine
Catching breath in a web of lies
I've spent most of my life
Riding waves, playing acrobat
Shadowboxing the other half
Learning how to react
I've spent most of my time

Catching my breath, letting it go
Turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so so simple now

Addicted to the love I found
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud
Making time for the ones that count
I'll spend the rest of my time
Laughing hard with the windows down
Leaving footprints all over town
Keeping faith, Karma comes around
I will spent the rest of my life

Catching my breath, letting it go
Turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so so simple now

You helped me see
The beauty in everything

Catching my breath, letting it go
Turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life
I won't be told what's supposed to be right

Catching my breath, letting it go
Turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life
I won't be told what's supposed to be right
Catch my breath

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so so simple now
It's all so simple now

Catching my breath, letting it go
Turning my cheek for the sake of this show
Now that you know, this is my life
I won't be told what's supposed to be right
Catch my breath

Catch my breath, no one can hold me back, I ain't got time for that
Catch my breath, won't let them get me down, it's all so so simple now

Wow, I learned something I must be growing

I went to a mandatory Divorce and Co-parenting class this past weekend.  It was free and very informative. I gained a wealth of knowledge.  I'm going to share a little of what I learned.

1. People going through a divorce need to lift their heads up a little higher.  We are survivors. 
   
   
   

   

   Everyone in that class walked in like poor, defeated souls.   This club of misfit toys looked so sad to be with each other on that early Saturday morning.  We made little to no eye contact, sat quietly and did as instructed.  Once we got in to the class, we each started opening up and sharing our devastating tales, each one sadder than the next.  I found myself not wanting to share because in my eyes, I have been walking through hell, clinging to life and making my way back out.  I had not been beaten, abused, cheated on, left penniless or anything near comparison to these ladies.  My heartbreak was mild by comparison.  So why has it felt like a death?
   
   
2. I'm still grieving. 
   
   I'm still in the mourning process of bullshit.  It's cyclical and there is no rhyme or reason to the emotions I go through.  I'm up and down, sad and happy, scared and excited.  I'm a modern day Sybil.  The stages are grief are the same for everyone but can occur at different times.  The counselor said something that hit me really hard.  She said, "You may be just starting to process this loss but for some of your spouses, they may have been at the acceptance stage when they decided to end it.  They may have gone through the other stages during the marriage so their journey will not look the same as yours."  This was a freaking Oprah A-HA moment for me.  Had my husband already mourned my loss?  God, I hope so.  I hope that his lack of emotion and empathy is just him already accepting the fact that our marriage was over.  Either that or shits about to get real for him.  I hope he has the support I did if it hasn't hit him.  I can't be that for him any longer.
   
   
   
   
3.   We are doing things right by being the best parents we can be.
   
   If there is one thing I know for sure.  We both love our daughter more than life itself.  We want nothing but the best for her and for her to have a life where both her parents are happy.  I'm happy to be the example that shows that a woman doesn't have to just sit and take scraps from a man and her dad is the example that sometimes wanting the best for someone means letting them go.  He couldn't love me the way I needed so I'm free to find it now.  As much as that rejection hurts, I get it.  I couldn't love myself for him so I better get out there and make the most of my life finding the love I need.   Not just for me, but for my kiddo to see that it's out there and it's real.  

I have 11 days left as a married woman and a bright future ahead of me. Here's to the future and all the unknowns that out there, good or bad, they are coming and I'm going to make the unforgettable.  I'll do my best not to cry through it either.  

What?

I can't stop listening to this song and I couldn't find the artist's version that I like so I'm sharing the lyrics at the bottom and all I could find.  It's not that good but it is at the same time.  Kind of like my life at the moment.  

In 2 weeks I'll be divorced. Damn.  That went fast.  I honestly was hoping it wouldn't happen but here I am, sitting alone outside on my deck with a glass of wine and sad country music playing.  If I could describe my life in one word I think it would be, "what?"

What the heck happened and how did I end up here?

What did I do wrong and why didn't I figure out how to make it better? Why didn't he tell me?

What if I did I did all I could, and I would have been here anyway?

What's so wrong with me and why have I been rejected?

What do I do next?

What is my next move?

All of these unanswered question will just continue because my wasband is not a good communicator.  I can't bring myself to ask, even though I deserve answers.  I honestly don't want to know.  I think it would make it harder for me to move on because there is really no other choice.  I am trying to love myself enough to put my happiness first, even when I don't know what happiness is at the moment.  I will find it.    I'm just going to let him go because I'm an enabler and what I want more than anything is for my husband to be happy.  I want it so bad that I'm giving up even though it hurts so bad.  

What is wrong with me that I think this is all my fault when I know it's not?  

What will make me happy again? 

I'm a mess.  I think I'll be okay once it's over and I can start formulating a new plan.  Right now the only plan I have is, get divorced, pick up the pieces. Not the plan I wanted for myself but it's a plan.  After that I will stop looking back so I can move on too.  

Stop starin' at the rear view

You ain't checkin' your hair
That wheel has spun and them lights are out
There ain't nothin' for you back there
Stop holdin' on so dang tight 'bout time you let go
But he's a heart breakin', let you down son of a gun
But I ain't sayin' nothin' you don't know

The day you stop lookin' back
You're gonna find that the future
Sure beats the hell outta the past
Now he ain't no good
I guess he's good as gone
The day you stop lookin' back, girl yeah
Is the day you start movin' on

That sun's gonna come up

It's gonna feel good
And after all the rain and pain you've seen
I hope you soak it up like you should
Now and then it's gonna stir up
When you hear that old song
But don't let it get to ya baby
It's only three and a half minutes long

Well the day you stop lookin' back
You're gonna find that the future
Sure beats the hell outta the past
Now he ain't no good
I guess he's good as gone
The day you stop lookin' back, girl yeah

Is the day you start movin' on

Well now hey girl why are you looking back like that
Don't you want to trade tears for laughs and love
That could be us tonight

The day you stop lookin' back
You're gonna find that the future
Sure beats the hell outta the past
Now he ain't no good
I guess he's good as gone
The day you stop lookin' back, girl yeah
Is the day you start movin' on

Is the day your start movin' on
Stop starin' at the rear view
You ain't checkin' your hair
That wheel is spun and them lights are out
There ain't nothin' for you back there

Just because...

Being still. Still.

I tried to get off my anti-depressants this week thinking I was feeling better about my life choices and where my future was heading. Big, mistake.  Huge.  All of my emotions began pouring out 3 days later.  I was really pissed that they weren't the cute pretty, sweet single tears falling in slow motion one at a time down my cheeks.  I was full on Kim Kardashian ugly crying with snot dripping out my nose and on to my sheets cause I was stuck in my bed like a loser not wanting to get up.  I had to force myself.  Pep talk and all.

"Andrea 2.0, what the heck is wrong with you?  You knew this wasn't going to be easy.  You knew you were going to have days like this.  You, my friend, are better than this and one day it will all make sense.  Do me a favor.  Get up.  Put your smile on.  Do you hair.  Make the most of your day because your daughter needs to see you take the bull by the horns and attack the day.  Are you ready?  Do it.  Do it."

So I got up, took a pill, a shower, got dressed and then I took my sad ass back to bed.  Womp, womp. Andrea 2.0 fail.   But I'm okay with it.  I think sometimes I need to sit still and just be.  Trust in the quiet moments when things don't make sense and make the most of it.  It's okay to not have a plan for the day and just go with it.  It's also okay to realize that not taking your meds when you are so close to getting your period is not a good idea.  So bear with me as I emotionally write and get it out of my head so I can eventually get out of my bed.  I'm already feeling better.

Here's to getting up out of bed today.  Or not.  Either way it's okay.  

The little lighthouse that could...and would have

The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions.  On Sunday, the day I made my list of things I wanted in a future husband, my current husband asked for a delay in the divorce in hopes that things would work.  I was in utter shock.  Had God answered my prayers?  Not quite. Today my husband went back to being my wasband.  He changed his mind again...or so he thinks.

You know what?  Go ahead and "think" you want a divorce.  I will KNOW for you.  I want a divorce.  I want to be free.  I am now officially done. You can only toy with my emotions if I let you and today I'm now longer letting you.   I will no longer be someone's "maybe."  I'm worth more and what he has to offer is just not worth it to me any longer.

For years I've spoken about wanting to be a lighthouse in the midst of the storm. My goal was to be the brightest, shining light standing there so that the ships have no other choice but to come to me.  I now realize I was trying to be HIS lighthouse calling him.  I was blasting my fog horns, trying to get his attention.  My light was spinning round and round screaming,  "HERE I AM SHIP!!  COME THIS WAY!!  SAFETY IS RIGHT HERE!!"   I stood there for years getting hit by unrelenting winds, torrential rains, ice, snow,  the works.  I stood there like a dummy with my light going in circles looking for a ship that was not looking for me.  That ship, my husband, was not on the right course.  He was headed in the wrong direction.  He was heading towards the rocks and I couldn't help him because I was a light house on land and not the captain of the ship sailing the seas.  He is his own captain and maybe, just maybe he's not the ship I'm supposed to be calling?  Maybe my ship is still out there in the ocean plotting it's course to me?   A girl can only dream.
 
Tonight I may be back to where I was a few days ago but at least I have a plan.  No more waiting for ships that aren't destined for me.  Enough already Andrea.  Let that ship go and no matter what, don't let a ship dim your light.  Stand tall.  Shine bright.  Be you.  The right ships will find you and if they don't, it's not on you.

Husband 2.0 : No assembly required

When I was in my 20's and a bad ass I remember making a list (yes, a list) about what I wanted in my future husband.  It was the dumbest list I had ever made.  I think I put that I wanted him to own a tuxedo.  Really, Andrea?  Who were you going to marry?  Ken?  I was so silly thinking he had to have a nice car, knew how to cook Italian food, and could open a bottle of wine.  Wait.  That's still valid.  

I think it's time I create a new list that has more realistic qualities on it.  Like a job, 401K 

and health insurance.  Wow, I've matured.  Here we go...

Andrea 2.0's Husband 2.0:

1. Loves and serves the Lord:  I'm not settling for someone who is weak in faith.  Be strong and firm in your beliefs.  Support me in mine.
2. Loves me and my daughter unconditionally:  We are who we are.  Either he will be with us or not.  I'm not changing and if I love them without condition and whole heartedly, I expect that to be reciprocated.  
3. Knows how to communicate:  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  If you can't and you see that I'm struggling to understand you, stop me before I make assumptions and clarify.  It's not that hard.  Just spit it out.  
4. Is strong but has a gentle spirit:  I love a handy man that can cry while watching a sappy movie. 
5. Compliments me and encourages me:  I like to hear nice things.  Tell me so I don't have to wonder please.
6. Thinks and speaks positively:  I hate negative thinkers.  They are such buzz kills and life suckers.  I'm looking for happy from here on out.  
7. Prays when times get hard:  My new philosophy is "when all else fails, pray" and I believe he needs to believe the same.  I want to pray together and trust God that even though our lives may not be perfect, we are trusting in Him for favor.  
8. Remembers the little things in life are important:  It's not about what you have in your life, it's about how you live your life.  I'd rather have love than a new house or car.  
9. Doesn't mind lazy days at home:  Must.  Have.  Jammies.  I love a lazy day with pizza and wine.  Stay in and stay close.  That's all I want.
10. Can make me laugh when times get rough:  If you can make me laugh, I will love you forever.  I'm a push over for humor.  I want to laugh when things are funny and sad.  Nothing beats a tense situation better than breaking into a fit of laughter.  It's the best.

I don't think this is unrealistic right?  I'm going to name it and claim it.  

  

Why would you want what I have?

I want to get one thing straight.  I am not living the dream.  I am not having the best life ever and every day is a struggle and I am sad.  Yes, I was just dancing freely in the kitchen to my country music that is playing on full blast.  Yes, I am looking out on to my beautiful deck as the rain slowly falls BUT 5 minutes before that I was weeping uncontrollably in my room, mad as hell that this is my life.  

People keep coming up to me saying how jealous they are of me and my new outlook on life and how they wish they had the nerve to be in my position.  Really?  Can I just say that's silly?  Do you really want to be heart broken and scared just so you can start your life over?  I have a brilliant idea!  Start your life over now without the heart break and diarrhea.  Don't wait until your life is in a million pieces to find the peace.  Get up and do something so you don't regret it later.  Make the changes now! 

If you are having trouble in your marriage but you have a husband that actually loves you and wants to work on it, please don't give up.  Pray and honor that.  Try with all of your might to make it work.  Pray, fight, hope.  Do whatever it takes.  I left because I was the only one wanting to fight but do you want to know something?  If my husband had wanted to fight and make it work I NEVER would have given up.  Ever.  I loved that man so much.  (Now I'm thinking it was a little too much but I'll leave that for another blog.)  The truth is, I left hoping he would try and stop me.  But he didn't.  He helped me move.  True story.    He loaded the U-Haul my brother rented for me and helped him transfer the belongings of our home into my new space.  That was brutal.  It was like a knife in the heart every time he asked me where I wanted our things.  But it had to be done because now I realize that I have to have enough self respect to dust myself off and make the next part of my life as unforgettable and memorable as it can be.  

I apologize for being bitchy today and seemingly angry.  I just am and it's okay.  Every day is a different emotion and reaction to choices that I made or failed to make.  I'm just doing the best I can and hope that you are all learning from my mistakes.  My hope is that my words and my journey can help you or someone you know even if it's just a little.  Make the best life for yourself.  Live fully and love unconditionally and please remember one thing -  yes, the grass may be greener on the other side but you better believe they have a higher water bill.

Hope + Faith = Action

Why do people think just because you are moving on with your life that you have no hope?  Today I was told that I have no faith because I'm not willing to wait for my wasband to change and come back home.  I, of all people have had the most hope of all.  I am a faith talker, positive thinker, change maker but mainly bright-sider.  I have spent the last few years of my life, hoping and praying, wishing and believing for change.  The truth is, the change I received wasn't the kind of change I was wishing and praying for.  When is time to call it quits and stop hoping?

For me, the answer is never.  I will always hope that my wasband looks at me and knows that he didn't make a mistake when he married me.  I didn't make a mistake when I chose him. I chose him because he was kind, loving and so much fun.  He was the kind of man I hoped to spend my life with.  I never thought this was how I would end up.  I made a mistake when I chose to put him and his needs over my own.  I HOPE that one day I can hear from him that he is sorry for hurting me that way he did and I HOPE that one day I will believe him.  Right now, I don't know the man that drops off my daughter.  I don't see him anymore.  I HOPE one day he does come back.  But for his own sake, not my own.

I will always HOPE that my daughter looks back at the time we spent together as a family of 3 and remember only the good times.  I will HOPE that my daughter doesn't hold any anger in her heart towards us for failing her.  I will HOPE that she understands why we left when we did.  I couldn't take the rejection any longer.  I HOPE she realizes her worth way before she ever dares to sacrifice herself at any cost.    I HOPE she is not like me.   I HOPE she is okay.

I will always have hope because hope leads to faith and faith leads to action. I want my hope and faith to speak for itself daily by my actions.   I want to get up every morning and live my life as though I have no choice.  I have to speak like I have no choice so I can be heard.  I can't care what people think about my decisions any longer.  This is my life.  I will choose to live it as I see fit.  I HOPE you understand.  I need to love myself because I have no choice. It's a privilege to love so I will do it daily and do it for myself.  I will not spend another day of my life hoping and waiting for someone who doesn't love me the way I love them.  I will love without conditions and hope that one day I find that in return.

I am looking forward to the next chapter of my life because it's hopeful,  Who knows what's out there for me and my daughter?  For once in my life, I'm hopeful for myself and no one else.  I'm not hoping for some man's happiness and approval to determine my own.  I'm putting myself first.  Here's to hoping for the best.  Living by faith.  And acting like you are worth it.

Prayers for my daughter

I'm back to square one.  Heartbreak.  I can't believe this is my life.  My daughter finally broke down and cried.  And cried.  She's confused and scared.  She doesn't understand why this is happening.  I honestly don't know what to tell her other than to trust God and that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.  It's so hard to teach faith when your faith is shaken.

But yet I will.  

I will teach my daughter that no matter what happens in your life the one true constant is God.  The one thing I will teach her is how to pray.  I will not fail her anymore.  I can't.  We pray together.  We don't pray that we are back together.  We pray that her parents are made whole again.  We pray that her daddy find happiness and that her mommy has strength.  We pray that God protects her heart and shows her that He is in control of everything.  We pray for peace when we are in a million pieces.  We pray for forgiveness as we forgive.  We just pray because when all else fails, what is left?    

The other day as she was crying and came to me and said she had been praying in her closet.  My little closet prayer warrior.  It made me proud that through mess she is finding the message.

My prayer:

Thank you Lord for this time I have with my daughter.  Thank You for teaching us that all we have to do is call Your name and You'll be here with us. I pray that she continue to grow in faith and learn the right way to handle situations through me and my example.  Let me be the light she needs Lord.  Let me be the lighthouse to You in this time of darkness.  Let Your peace surround her and guide her.  Give me the words to say that would reassure her and comfort her.  Thank you Lord for protecting her heart and not allowing this time to harden her heart towards us her parents.  Show her that we love her and are doing our best even though we don't know what to do.  Teach us to teach her.  Show us and let Your will be done in our lives.  I release the negative holds of the past and speak life to our family in whatever form it will be in. Love on us as her parents as we love on her.  Forgive us Lord.  I know we hurt her and failed her.  Forgive us.  Thank you Lord for this time that she and I have together.  Bind us together and bring us closer together.  In Your Name I pray.  Amen.     

Get up out of bed, it's time to move ahead...

Today is good.  Please don't mess with my happy.   Here's my jam of the day.  Enjoy and find your own sunshine.

Andrea 2.0 meet your "wasband"

I've been picking up the pieces this weekend.  My mean "was-band" rushed me in filing for divorce Friday by saying, "what difference does it make if we file now or next year?  It's going to happen."  Can you say, "rude?"  He has no respect for me or my feelings so I will have enough respect for myself to walk away with my dignity.  Well most of it.  I did call him an asshole but hey, if the shoe fits.  I wanted to call him worse but I need to be able to go to bed tonight with a clear conscience and know that no matter what happens, I did my best and I tried more than he deserved. I really didn't have to file but I want to be done with him..  I'm even debating having the infamous divorce party, "I do, I did, I'm done."  I need to find something to celebrate.  Right now the only thing I celebrate is myself. Not sure Andrea 2.0 is all that ready to party but she's at least ready to get up and get out.  Right now I'm sitting outside on my beautiful deck in sunglasses and pajamas. Can you say, living the dream?

Now that the divorce is filed, I need my next plan.  But what?  I know!  I'll make a list.  I freaking love lists.

Andrea 2.0's List of Things to Do Next:

1. Change my passwords: I need a new date.  I can no longer use my anniversary or wasband's birthday.  I think I need to make a sub list for this list of passwords that require updating and then list them out by order of importance.  
2. Take Care of Yourself:  I signed up for my boot camp class again and have been going.  I need to go more!  I sleep 100 times better after I've been physically beaten to a pulp!  Plus I get to punch shit!  It's a WIN/WIN!
3. Plan a beach trip:  Nothing rejuvenates me faster than sitting on the beach and doing nothing.  My BFF and I go and literally just sit there.  My wasband never understood the how we could drive 2.5 hours and do nothing.  He would ask what do we do all day?  My response while pointing, "Well I look this way for awhile and when I'm done looking this way, I look that way!"  I think I've been looking "this way" long enough.  Time to look "that way" for awhile and see what happens.
4. Learn something new:  Everything has been about my family for so long I have no idea what I want to learn!  That's not cool.  I think I want to learn to play guitar so I can take it to the beach or to my patio and write sappy songs.  Yes!  That's what I'm going to learn to do.
5. Get a guitar: I wish I could have a divorce registry.  Ha!  How awesome would that be?  I do need plates, cups, cookware and a vacuum!  
6. Find a song for the day and jam your ass out daily:  

Today I'm okay

I felt like me this week.

I only cried once or twice and it was only when someone I hadn't spoken to called to check on me.  Every day has been getting a little easier like everyone said it would.  It's a strange new normal this life I'm living.  Strange but really damn satisfying.

Satisfying in the sense that I never knew I was going to be this strong.  I'm not the crumpled up ball of emotions that I was when I was married. It could be the medication but hey, let's pretend it's me.   I'm hopeful for a change and looking forward to my new life for the first time in years.  I'm excited every day when the sun comes up because I know it's a new day to be thankful for.  I'm no longer dreading new days praying for a good day.  It's a good day because I'm making it a good day.

I haven't really spoken to my husband for over a week and the first few days were hard.  Even though we weren't in the best spot, we still had a daily conversation where we wished each other well and joked off and on until we got home from work.  That's gone now too.  I miss that part more than anything.  I miss my friend.  There are things that I find so funny and I used to be able to share with him throughout the day and now I just hang on to them and chuckle to myself.  I can't wait to find someone to share that with again.  I'm looking forward to that part actually.  I've been joking that I have my eHarmony profile on standby until my divorce is finalized.  I've been alone too long.  My husband didn't find me that funny but I think I'm hysterical.  I laugh at my own thoughts pretty much all day.  It's a little sitcom up in there and the laugh track is locked and loaded.  I know I'll make the next man happy because I am happier now.  Eharmony here I come.

Today I'm thankful for the storms we had all week.  The gloomy days have subsided and the sun is shining once again.  Much like my life.  I'm not completely convinced that I won't have another gloomy day but at least today I'm standing strong in the sun and optimistic about my future.

Here's to the sun and it's power to make you feel like everything is okay.  Today I'm okay.

Quiet time tonight for just me...

Because I need a little peace tonight.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

(c) 2012 Hillsong Music Publishing (admin. in the U.S. and Canada at CAPITOLCMGPUBLISHING.COM) (APRA)

Things I tell myself to get through the day

1. You are not Bipolar, you are just a little moody.  This is debatable most days but at the moment I'm in a positive place so you may call Andrea 2.0 Moody Judy.
2. Make someone smile today even if you have no reason to.  Sometimes all it takes is a simple smile to turn someone's day around. I gave a homeless man a few dollars and it felt so good to be of service to someone.  My little contribution can hopefully nourish him.  (Please don't buy drugs dude and ruin my little moment.)
3. Get some fresh air and breathe it in deep. There's a reason you are supposed to breathe in deeply in the midst of a panic attack.  Sometimes people forget to exhale and it makes it harder to breathe.  I forget to exhale all the time and there is no way I can just keep taking it in over and over again and never release.  I need a nice long exhale.  Let it go by letting it out.  Ahhhh..
4. Make the most of every situation, no matter what.  Life has a funny way of kicking your ass and making you say mercy, but my ultimate goal is to always find the silver lining in every shitty situation.  The bright side of things.  Right now the bright side is the time I'm spending with my daughter figuring out who I am and who I really want to be.  I'm not sure yet, but the possibilities are endless.
5. Keep the faith, even when you have no reason to.  The only thing I can rely on is God and his endless love and comfort.  Stand strong ladies in God's promises for our life.  We will be whole again in the end.  Just remember to give thanks in all situations, because eventually things will work out on way or another.
   
   
   
6. Live as yourself and never apologize for who you are.  Take it or leave, this is me.  If you don't like it, click the X in the corner and go.  Bye.  If someone doesn't like you for you, it's their loss.
7.  Let your little light shine for all to see.  Our inner light is the most powerful thing in our lives.  It tells people who we are the minute they can see it.  It's either a sad little flicker that needs a little help to start a fire or a strong ray of hope.  I hope that through all this, my light shines brighter than ever before because light has the power to heat.  Heat has the power to warm and eventually melt.  I know there are many people in my situation that could use a little light and warmth in their lives.  I want to melt the hardest of hearts on a daily basis.

What you tell yourself sets you up for a good or bad day.  Speak life into your life.

Side note:  I have no idea how I remove that stupid background text fill.  Enjoy it and roll with it. 

#PTSD

As in "PUT THAT SORROW DOWN!"

I'm so sick of feeling sorry for myself and my situation.  I'm not the only one that's gone through a divorce so I need to just pick myself up and quit the "poor me" attitude.  Right?  Is it wrong that I've secretly been wishing diarrhea on him so he has to sit and think about what's he's done?  I don't want to hurt him, I just want him to feel a little something, and nothing feels like something more than good old fashioned diarrhea.

People keep asking me how I'm doing and I just want to rudely say, "how do you think?"  My go to answer is, "I'm alive" because that's about all I am these days.  I'm breathing, walking and talking but not really functioning.  I had no choice but to go to the Dr today to get help.  I haven't slept more than a few hours each night since I left.  I pray and say affirmations but my brain and the tears don't stop. It's ridiculous.  I can't even drink coffee.  My one true love.  First I lost my husband and now my lover?  This is nuts.  I'm so much better than this and if I have to go to bed being angry another night, I'm going to scream.   If I weren't so angry, I'd probably thank him for forcing me to get up and do something with myself and for myself.  I'm so MAD!   I really just want to scream!  I want to go to the tallest building and yell at the top of my lungs!  But I'd have to scream something cool.  What could I say?  It's gotta be movie good.  As in something you'd see in a revenge movie.  I'd want Kristen Wiig to play me but I'd want her to have Rebel Wilson's voice.  Oh, I like this movie already.  I think she'd start by standing on the edge of the building and maybe flick a bird off and tell it to shut up for singing so loudly and she'd scream, "What's that world?  You want a piece of me?  Come at me!  Is this all you've got?  I CAN TAKE IT!!"  Then she'd sit her stupid ass down and ask God to forgive her and say she didn't really mean it.  Then she'd get in her cool car and drive down the highway with this playing.  Queue the music...



Note to self:  Let's do this every day until you are over this broken heart.

1. Take some medicine.  Check.  
2. Get angry.  Check.
3. Stop talking to the other party.  Check. 
4. Make yourself pretty.  Check. 
5. Take care of yourself and daughter first.  Check. 
6. Don't care what other people think of you. Check. 
7. Stop crying for goodness sake.  Check. 
8. Put on some music that makes you happy.  Check.
9. Get out from under your little rain cloud and look for the sun.  Check.
10. Remember it's only been 2 weeks and you are doing better than you thought.  Check. 

Last but not least... Just breathe.  It's okay.  You are okay.  Check.