To my future person...

Now that I've started the dating process again.  I've come to learn a few things about myself.  Number 1, I'm nuts.  Number 2, I'm scared as fuck.  I don't know how to think, act, look,or what to say.  Nothing makes sense to me other than I'm confused as to why I'm here.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy that I'm divorced.  It was the best thing to happen FOR me.  Honestly.  I'm so much happier to be free than to be stuck in a marriage that was going nowhere.   I've just traded one fear for another.

I used to be afraid that I was going to live the rest of my life alone but with a husband.  I was afraid that my heart was never going to feel again.  I was afraid that I was going to die not knowing what true love was like.


To my future person,

If you fall in love with me there are somethings you should know.

I'm scared but not of you.  I'm just deathly afraid to fall in love again.  I'm scared that everything bad anyone has ever said to me is actually true and that you will find out these things and want to leave me too. I'm scared that I am that unlovable, undeserving girl that isn't worth your time or love in return.  I'm afraid that I will say something or do something to make you run.   I will be fearful of your kindness because it's something I will not be used to.  I will probably try and push you away because I'm afraid that you will hurt me.

If you're gonna love me...

You have to be stronger than my fears.  You have to be the calm to my crazy.   You may have to reassure me until I believe you and I'm so sorry.  You will need to know that it will take me sometime to trust you and believe that you are real.  I've been broken and I'm in the process of picking up the pieces.  If you find me during this time, please be patient with me. I will make mistakes but I will be worth it.

If I'm going to fall in love with you, you should know

I will love you like no other.  I will be loyal and believe in you.  I will support you and fight for you.  I will have your back when no one else will.  I will do my best to make you happy and feel wanted.  I will give you all of me and not expect it in return.

And even if you leave me...

I will appreciate the lessons I've learned from loving you.  I will be thankful for the time we shared together.  I will think highly of you and put you in a special place in my heart where everyone that has left me goes.  Even if you leave me, I want you to know that I will be okay and I will try to love again.  I'm the girl that has more love than she knows what to do with.  Sometimes it hurts how much I love the ones I love.  I will not let those that hurt me keep me from finding someone who won't.

To my future person,

I can't wait to be afraid to love you.