By the Grace of God...

You never know what you are made of until you have no choice but to find out.  Last year, I was sure I was going to crawl into my hole and not come out.  I was certain that I was going to go out like that.  Broken.  Devastated.  Shattered. - But you know what?  I'm didn't succumb to my injuries.  I didn't stay down when I should have.  I got up.  I fought on and what I found was beautiful.  I found freedom and peace.

Why is that when we are in the midst of a storm we forget the times we've been through agony before?  I've been through worse things than a divorce.  No one died.  Well someone did go away and I don't think I'll ever see her again.  The old me.  She's a goner.  In fact, this divorce was the biggest blessing of my life when I look back on it and not because I recommend ending your marriage as the solution to the problem.  I recommend releasing the negativity in your life and searching for the good. Divorce was not easy.  It was not fun.  It hurt like hell and I'm fully aware of the repercussions of our decision.  My sweet daughter will more than likely have some residual trauma from this experience later on in life but I will CHOOSE to find the good in it for her and for myself.   If I have to remind her and myself I will, because I am a fighter, WE are fighters.

Let me tell you about my little girl.  She's not that little anymore.   She's a beautiful 13 year old, 5'5" ball of sunshine mixed with a little sass.  She's amazes me with her resilience and ability to just bounce back. I haven't seen her cry or complain or treat her dad or myself any different.  She loves to spend time with both of us and has mentioned that we are the "happiest divorced people she's ever seen."  I actually get along with my ex-husband now because I'm so grateful to him that it makes me like him a little.  Just a little.  He still pisses me off every now and then but knowing that I can walk away from him and not really care about his opinion of me and my life is fantastic.  I love to say, "oh okay, that's nice..." in a really sarcastic voice as I close the door on him.  It's not the nicest thing to do but it's nicer than what I would have done in the past.

What I admire most about my daughter is how well she adjusted and how she can smile and laugh through all of the changes we have been through.  I like to think she learned it from me, who learned it from my mom, who learned it from her mom and so on.  My family is full of ballsy broads who can and will get through anything that is thrown at them with a little smile and a big heaping serving of faith.  Faith is our secret super power but only it isn't that much of secret.

So what I'm trying to say, not so eloquently I might add, is don't give up and don't lose hope.  Look for the good, look for the light.  I used to say "when all else fails, pray" but I was wrong.  Pray first so nothing else will fail you.  Pray first, let go and be still.  Wait.  Surrender it all and see what will be done for you, because it will.   One day you will wake up and look around like I do every morning and say, "Wow, why was I afraid of this?"  

By the grace of God, we can get through anything.

In a better place....

I've been doing a lot of reflecting in the last few days.  One year ago today I was completely oblivious to the events that would be occurring in the week.  My life as I knew it was about to be blown into smithereens.  I was about to go from wife to single mother, captive in my man-made mess to free, miserable to unmistakably happy.  God is so good and so faithful.

The last year I was all over the place emotionally.  Last February I was a shell of myself.  Dead inside.  I had nothing left to give to myself because I had spent the last 14 years of my life giving and giving and never receiving.  I was tapped out.  Dry.  Today my life is so full it's juicy.  My cup runneth over.

I could seriously cry, I am so grateful.  Every time I think of where I've been and where I can go now, I quietly whisper a thank you to my wasband.  Thank God he loved me enough to let me go.  Thank God he saw what I was too afraid to admit.  Because of him, I have a life and love that I never knew to pray for or even dream of.  Yes, you read that right.  I have love in my life.  Glorious love.

One year ago today, I was more than likely sitting in my room alone, drowning my sorrows away with a large glass of liquid misery and settling for where I was.  If you were here now, you'd be on my beautiful, tree covered deck, sipping a diet coke in the sunshine, listening to music, grilling our dinner.  God is so good.

I don't know where you are in your life or where you want to be, but the one thing I want people to learn from my life is to dream and dream BIG.  Never settle for just okay.  If you are unhappy,  find a way to be happy.  We get one life, don't waste it.