Get up out of bed, it's time to move ahead...

Today is good.  Please don't mess with my happy.   Here's my jam of the day.  Enjoy and find your own sunshine.

Andrea 2.0 meet your "wasband"

I've been picking up the pieces this weekend.  My mean "was-band" rushed me in filing for divorce Friday by saying, "what difference does it make if we file now or next year?  It's going to happen."  Can you say, "rude?"  He has no respect for me or my feelings so I will have enough respect for myself to walk away with my dignity.  Well most of it.  I did call him an asshole but hey, if the shoe fits.  I wanted to call him worse but I need to be able to go to bed tonight with a clear conscience and know that no matter what happens, I did my best and I tried more than he deserved. I really didn't have to file but I want to be done with him..  I'm even debating having the infamous divorce party, "I do, I did, I'm done."  I need to find something to celebrate.  Right now the only thing I celebrate is myself. Not sure Andrea 2.0 is all that ready to party but she's at least ready to get up and get out.  Right now I'm sitting outside on my beautiful deck in sunglasses and pajamas. Can you say, living the dream?

Now that the divorce is filed, I need my next plan.  But what?  I know!  I'll make a list.  I freaking love lists.

Andrea 2.0's List of Things to Do Next:

1. Change my passwords: I need a new date.  I can no longer use my anniversary or wasband's birthday.  I think I need to make a sub list for this list of passwords that require updating and then list them out by order of importance.  
2. Take Care of Yourself:  I signed up for my boot camp class again and have been going.  I need to go more!  I sleep 100 times better after I've been physically beaten to a pulp!  Plus I get to punch shit!  It's a WIN/WIN!
3. Plan a beach trip:  Nothing rejuvenates me faster than sitting on the beach and doing nothing.  My BFF and I go and literally just sit there.  My wasband never understood the how we could drive 2.5 hours and do nothing.  He would ask what do we do all day?  My response while pointing, "Well I look this way for awhile and when I'm done looking this way, I look that way!"  I think I've been looking "this way" long enough.  Time to look "that way" for awhile and see what happens.
4. Learn something new:  Everything has been about my family for so long I have no idea what I want to learn!  That's not cool.  I think I want to learn to play guitar so I can take it to the beach or to my patio and write sappy songs.  Yes!  That's what I'm going to learn to do.
5. Get a guitar: I wish I could have a divorce registry.  Ha!  How awesome would that be?  I do need plates, cups, cookware and a vacuum!  
6. Find a song for the day and jam your ass out daily:  

Today I'm okay

I felt like me this week.

I only cried once or twice and it was only when someone I hadn't spoken to called to check on me.  Every day has been getting a little easier like everyone said it would.  It's a strange new normal this life I'm living.  Strange but really damn satisfying.

Satisfying in the sense that I never knew I was going to be this strong.  I'm not the crumpled up ball of emotions that I was when I was married. It could be the medication but hey, let's pretend it's me.   I'm hopeful for a change and looking forward to my new life for the first time in years.  I'm excited every day when the sun comes up because I know it's a new day to be thankful for.  I'm no longer dreading new days praying for a good day.  It's a good day because I'm making it a good day.

I haven't really spoken to my husband for over a week and the first few days were hard.  Even though we weren't in the best spot, we still had a daily conversation where we wished each other well and joked off and on until we got home from work.  That's gone now too.  I miss that part more than anything.  I miss my friend.  There are things that I find so funny and I used to be able to share with him throughout the day and now I just hang on to them and chuckle to myself.  I can't wait to find someone to share that with again.  I'm looking forward to that part actually.  I've been joking that I have my eHarmony profile on standby until my divorce is finalized.  I've been alone too long.  My husband didn't find me that funny but I think I'm hysterical.  I laugh at my own thoughts pretty much all day.  It's a little sitcom up in there and the laugh track is locked and loaded.  I know I'll make the next man happy because I am happier now.  Eharmony here I come.

Today I'm thankful for the storms we had all week.  The gloomy days have subsided and the sun is shining once again.  Much like my life.  I'm not completely convinced that I won't have another gloomy day but at least today I'm standing strong in the sun and optimistic about my future.

Here's to the sun and it's power to make you feel like everything is okay.  Today I'm okay.

Quiet time tonight for just me...

Because I need a little peace tonight.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

(c) 2012 Hillsong Music Publishing (admin. in the U.S. and Canada at CAPITOLCMGPUBLISHING.COM) (APRA)

Things I tell myself to get through the day

1. You are not Bipolar, you are just a little moody.  This is debatable most days but at the moment I'm in a positive place so you may call Andrea 2.0 Moody Judy.
2. Make someone smile today even if you have no reason to.  Sometimes all it takes is a simple smile to turn someone's day around. I gave a homeless man a few dollars and it felt so good to be of service to someone.  My little contribution can hopefully nourish him.  (Please don't buy drugs dude and ruin my little moment.)
3. Get some fresh air and breathe it in deep. There's a reason you are supposed to breathe in deeply in the midst of a panic attack.  Sometimes people forget to exhale and it makes it harder to breathe.  I forget to exhale all the time and there is no way I can just keep taking it in over and over again and never release.  I need a nice long exhale.  Let it go by letting it out.  Ahhhh..
4. Make the most of every situation, no matter what.  Life has a funny way of kicking your ass and making you say mercy, but my ultimate goal is to always find the silver lining in every shitty situation.  The bright side of things.  Right now the bright side is the time I'm spending with my daughter figuring out who I am and who I really want to be.  I'm not sure yet, but the possibilities are endless.
5. Keep the faith, even when you have no reason to.  The only thing I can rely on is God and his endless love and comfort.  Stand strong ladies in God's promises for our life.  We will be whole again in the end.  Just remember to give thanks in all situations, because eventually things will work out on way or another.
   
   
   
6. Live as yourself and never apologize for who you are.  Take it or leave, this is me.  If you don't like it, click the X in the corner and go.  Bye.  If someone doesn't like you for you, it's their loss.
7.  Let your little light shine for all to see.  Our inner light is the most powerful thing in our lives.  It tells people who we are the minute they can see it.  It's either a sad little flicker that needs a little help to start a fire or a strong ray of hope.  I hope that through all this, my light shines brighter than ever before because light has the power to heat.  Heat has the power to warm and eventually melt.  I know there are many people in my situation that could use a little light and warmth in their lives.  I want to melt the hardest of hearts on a daily basis.

What you tell yourself sets you up for a good or bad day.  Speak life into your life.

Side note:  I have no idea how I remove that stupid background text fill.  Enjoy it and roll with it. 

#PTSD

As in "PUT THAT SORROW DOWN!"

I'm so sick of feeling sorry for myself and my situation.  I'm not the only one that's gone through a divorce so I need to just pick myself up and quit the "poor me" attitude.  Right?  Is it wrong that I've secretly been wishing diarrhea on him so he has to sit and think about what's he's done?  I don't want to hurt him, I just want him to feel a little something, and nothing feels like something more than good old fashioned diarrhea.

People keep asking me how I'm doing and I just want to rudely say, "how do you think?"  My go to answer is, "I'm alive" because that's about all I am these days.  I'm breathing, walking and talking but not really functioning.  I had no choice but to go to the Dr today to get help.  I haven't slept more than a few hours each night since I left.  I pray and say affirmations but my brain and the tears don't stop. It's ridiculous.  I can't even drink coffee.  My one true love.  First I lost my husband and now my lover?  This is nuts.  I'm so much better than this and if I have to go to bed being angry another night, I'm going to scream.   If I weren't so angry, I'd probably thank him for forcing me to get up and do something with myself and for myself.  I'm so MAD!   I really just want to scream!  I want to go to the tallest building and yell at the top of my lungs!  But I'd have to scream something cool.  What could I say?  It's gotta be movie good.  As in something you'd see in a revenge movie.  I'd want Kristen Wiig to play me but I'd want her to have Rebel Wilson's voice.  Oh, I like this movie already.  I think she'd start by standing on the edge of the building and maybe flick a bird off and tell it to shut up for singing so loudly and she'd scream, "What's that world?  You want a piece of me?  Come at me!  Is this all you've got?  I CAN TAKE IT!!"  Then she'd sit her stupid ass down and ask God to forgive her and say she didn't really mean it.  Then she'd get in her cool car and drive down the highway with this playing.  Queue the music...



Note to self:  Let's do this every day until you are over this broken heart.

1. Take some medicine.  Check.  
2. Get angry.  Check.
3. Stop talking to the other party.  Check. 
4. Make yourself pretty.  Check. 
5. Take care of yourself and daughter first.  Check. 
6. Don't care what other people think of you. Check. 
7. Stop crying for goodness sake.  Check. 
8. Put on some music that makes you happy.  Check.
9. Get out from under your little rain cloud and look for the sun.  Check.
10. Remember it's only been 2 weeks and you are doing better than you thought.  Check. 

Last but not least... Just breathe.  It's okay.  You are okay.  Check.