It's Friday and now it gets interesting.
The entire day I was freaking out. What was I going to wear? What was I going say? Would he think I was pretty? What the hell would I do with my hair? I almost called it off until I got this message from Hector.
"This has been a great week. Mainly because of you. And your divorce attorney. See you tonight."
I had to go. I just had to see what was going to happen. Maybe I was one of the lucky ones that found their soul mate immediately following their divorce? My parents met and were engaged after 3 months, maybe I was destined to be with Hot Hector. Hot Hector is in finance, has 2 degrees, owns land, is handy, 6 ft tall and retired Military Police. It all was confirmed and super scary. How in the hell was Hot Hector going to like Average Andrea? My self esteem has really taken a beating but Andrea 2.0 wasn't going to let Andrea 1.0 sneak back out. She was going to get her man! So I hoisted up my best qualities, both of them, and fixed my makeup and went to meet him. I drove for what seemed like an eternity. We agreed to meet in a public parking lot and then would decided if I was comfortable enough to go to eat and get drinks.
I pulled up and called him. I saw him. There he was, walking in slow motion towards me in a crisp blue button down shirt and nicely pressed slacks. She smiled really big when he saw me and said, "wow, you look great!" My self esteem charged up with that "defibrillation-esque" compliment. And then he kissed me. On the mouth! (I hadn't told anyone this part yet so there you go mother.) It was just a small peck, but he said he had been wanting to do that all week, so I let him. That was my first kiss in 16 years from someone other than my husband. Not too bad and he had really soft lips and smelled delicious. I decided to let him get in my car and we would drive to dinner. My thought process behind this was,
- I'm not getting in his car because Oprah once said to never let yourself go to the 2nd location when taken by a stranger
and
- If he pulled a fast one and tried any funny business, I had already planned to ram my car into the nearest wall on the passenger side and smash the creep.
We drove to the restaurant and went inside. There was a 45 minute wait and Hot Hector turned into, "Hot Head Hector" by saying, "Eff that, I'm hungry" in what can only be described as a caveman voice. So we left. Strike one. Then we stopped and he said, "How about here? I love Greek food." We walked into a fast food, get in a line, pick your toppings and put them your paper plate on a tray place. And he went first in the line. Strike two. We sat down in our romantic table for 2 by the trash can but not before I got the paper napkins and drinks from the fountain. He complimented me the whole time he shoveled the toppings from his Greek wrap into his mouth and chewed like cow. Gross. Then we started talking about my work. He understood my job but not the concept behind it. I showed him a video explaining Video Relay Service and American Sign Language that is accessible on Youtube. He made fun of deaf people and mocked them! This guy was done. Bye Felicia. He even said, "Death People!" I may not know the language, but I love and respect it enough that it offended me. Like really pissed me off. I was looking for an out but I drove. Shit.
As we walked out of the joint, he noticed across the shopping center a place he needed to go to for a "few things". Off we went to freaking, Bed Bath and Beyond. I was trying to get away from him because he was getting really touchy feely at this point and I was not having it. I grabbed a shopping cart and began to fill it with things that would be returned later. I just wanted something between us. I kept wedging myself between the cart and him so much that I thought he would get the hint. He didn't. Hector is stupid. Lucky for me I had already told him that I had to call my daughter at some point since she was with her daddy and I wouldn't be seeing her until the next day. She saved me by saying, "Mommy, I forgot my allergy medicine at home but I'll be okay so don't worry."
Me in a very concerned tone: "What? Are you sure? Look in your bag, honey. I know you put it in there. Ask daddy. Does he have it? I hope so. You need it. No? I'm coming right now."
I looked over at Hector and said, "I'm so sorry, I need to leave. My daughter left her rescue inhaler at home and is having trouble breathing. We need to go now."
On that LONG ASS drive home, Hector still kept putting the moves on me. He was grabbing my hand, brushing my hair from my face and tucking it behind my ear. I get it dude, you like me. I had had it. "Stop touching me please. I'm having a hard time right now because my ex-husband used to hit me" I said. I was totally lying because my ex NEVER hit me. EVER. But it worked and Hot Head Hector apologized and backed off with the line, "I'm sorry. I'll be gentle with you." Ew. Vomit. Get out of my car.
We finally arrived at his car at 845p and he said, "call me later." I didn't. But I did text him this morning that I was not interested in seeing him again because he offended my by mocking deaf people and that it was a deal breaker. I haven't heard from him since. Good.
So what have I learned today? A lot. I am NOT too fat for Hot guys. I've still got it and falafel pitas are delicious. Oh I forgot to mention how he ate the pita straight from my plate after he finished his wrap. Classy.
And there you have it. I've just now become the 38 year old, divorced version of Taylor Swift . I'm going to write about these locos. Look out world, I'm going to dedicate this next chapter of my life on finding my newest truest love. But for now that's a wrap on Hot Hector.
Please enjoy these photos of me and how my night ended...
