Just because...

Being still. Still.

I tried to get off my anti-depressants this week thinking I was feeling better about my life choices and where my future was heading. Big, mistake.  Huge.  All of my emotions began pouring out 3 days later.  I was really pissed that they weren't the cute pretty, sweet single tears falling in slow motion one at a time down my cheeks.  I was full on Kim Kardashian ugly crying with snot dripping out my nose and on to my sheets cause I was stuck in my bed like a loser not wanting to get up.  I had to force myself.  Pep talk and all.

"Andrea 2.0, what the heck is wrong with you?  You knew this wasn't going to be easy.  You knew you were going to have days like this.  You, my friend, are better than this and one day it will all make sense.  Do me a favor.  Get up.  Put your smile on.  Do you hair.  Make the most of your day because your daughter needs to see you take the bull by the horns and attack the day.  Are you ready?  Do it.  Do it."

So I got up, took a pill, a shower, got dressed and then I took my sad ass back to bed.  Womp, womp. Andrea 2.0 fail.   But I'm okay with it.  I think sometimes I need to sit still and just be.  Trust in the quiet moments when things don't make sense and make the most of it.  It's okay to not have a plan for the day and just go with it.  It's also okay to realize that not taking your meds when you are so close to getting your period is not a good idea.  So bear with me as I emotionally write and get it out of my head so I can eventually get out of my bed.  I'm already feeling better.

Here's to getting up out of bed today.  Or not.  Either way it's okay.  

The little lighthouse that could...and would have

The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotions.  On Sunday, the day I made my list of things I wanted in a future husband, my current husband asked for a delay in the divorce in hopes that things would work.  I was in utter shock.  Had God answered my prayers?  Not quite. Today my husband went back to being my wasband.  He changed his mind again...or so he thinks.

You know what?  Go ahead and "think" you want a divorce.  I will KNOW for you.  I want a divorce.  I want to be free.  I am now officially done. You can only toy with my emotions if I let you and today I'm now longer letting you.   I will no longer be someone's "maybe."  I'm worth more and what he has to offer is just not worth it to me any longer.

For years I've spoken about wanting to be a lighthouse in the midst of the storm. My goal was to be the brightest, shining light standing there so that the ships have no other choice but to come to me.  I now realize I was trying to be HIS lighthouse calling him.  I was blasting my fog horns, trying to get his attention.  My light was spinning round and round screaming,  "HERE I AM SHIP!!  COME THIS WAY!!  SAFETY IS RIGHT HERE!!"   I stood there for years getting hit by unrelenting winds, torrential rains, ice, snow,  the works.  I stood there like a dummy with my light going in circles looking for a ship that was not looking for me.  That ship, my husband, was not on the right course.  He was headed in the wrong direction.  He was heading towards the rocks and I couldn't help him because I was a light house on land and not the captain of the ship sailing the seas.  He is his own captain and maybe, just maybe he's not the ship I'm supposed to be calling?  Maybe my ship is still out there in the ocean plotting it's course to me?   A girl can only dream.
 
Tonight I may be back to where I was a few days ago but at least I have a plan.  No more waiting for ships that aren't destined for me.  Enough already Andrea.  Let that ship go and no matter what, don't let a ship dim your light.  Stand tall.  Shine bright.  Be you.  The right ships will find you and if they don't, it's not on you.

Husband 2.0 : No assembly required

When I was in my 20's and a bad ass I remember making a list (yes, a list) about what I wanted in my future husband.  It was the dumbest list I had ever made.  I think I put that I wanted him to own a tuxedo.  Really, Andrea?  Who were you going to marry?  Ken?  I was so silly thinking he had to have a nice car, knew how to cook Italian food, and could open a bottle of wine.  Wait.  That's still valid.  

I think it's time I create a new list that has more realistic qualities on it.  Like a job, 401K 

and health insurance.  Wow, I've matured.  Here we go...

Andrea 2.0's Husband 2.0:

1. Loves and serves the Lord:  I'm not settling for someone who is weak in faith.  Be strong and firm in your beliefs.  Support me in mine.
2. Loves me and my daughter unconditionally:  We are who we are.  Either he will be with us or not.  I'm not changing and if I love them without condition and whole heartedly, I expect that to be reciprocated.  
3. Knows how to communicate:  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  If you can't and you see that I'm struggling to understand you, stop me before I make assumptions and clarify.  It's not that hard.  Just spit it out.  
4. Is strong but has a gentle spirit:  I love a handy man that can cry while watching a sappy movie. 
5. Compliments me and encourages me:  I like to hear nice things.  Tell me so I don't have to wonder please.
6. Thinks and speaks positively:  I hate negative thinkers.  They are such buzz kills and life suckers.  I'm looking for happy from here on out.  
7. Prays when times get hard:  My new philosophy is "when all else fails, pray" and I believe he needs to believe the same.  I want to pray together and trust God that even though our lives may not be perfect, we are trusting in Him for favor.  
8. Remembers the little things in life are important:  It's not about what you have in your life, it's about how you live your life.  I'd rather have love than a new house or car.  
9. Doesn't mind lazy days at home:  Must.  Have.  Jammies.  I love a lazy day with pizza and wine.  Stay in and stay close.  That's all I want.
10. Can make me laugh when times get rough:  If you can make me laugh, I will love you forever.  I'm a push over for humor.  I want to laugh when things are funny and sad.  Nothing beats a tense situation better than breaking into a fit of laughter.  It's the best.

I don't think this is unrealistic right?  I'm going to name it and claim it.  

  

Why would you want what I have?

I want to get one thing straight.  I am not living the dream.  I am not having the best life ever and every day is a struggle and I am sad.  Yes, I was just dancing freely in the kitchen to my country music that is playing on full blast.  Yes, I am looking out on to my beautiful deck as the rain slowly falls BUT 5 minutes before that I was weeping uncontrollably in my room, mad as hell that this is my life.  

People keep coming up to me saying how jealous they are of me and my new outlook on life and how they wish they had the nerve to be in my position.  Really?  Can I just say that's silly?  Do you really want to be heart broken and scared just so you can start your life over?  I have a brilliant idea!  Start your life over now without the heart break and diarrhea.  Don't wait until your life is in a million pieces to find the peace.  Get up and do something so you don't regret it later.  Make the changes now! 

If you are having trouble in your marriage but you have a husband that actually loves you and wants to work on it, please don't give up.  Pray and honor that.  Try with all of your might to make it work.  Pray, fight, hope.  Do whatever it takes.  I left because I was the only one wanting to fight but do you want to know something?  If my husband had wanted to fight and make it work I NEVER would have given up.  Ever.  I loved that man so much.  (Now I'm thinking it was a little too much but I'll leave that for another blog.)  The truth is, I left hoping he would try and stop me.  But he didn't.  He helped me move.  True story.    He loaded the U-Haul my brother rented for me and helped him transfer the belongings of our home into my new space.  That was brutal.  It was like a knife in the heart every time he asked me where I wanted our things.  But it had to be done because now I realize that I have to have enough self respect to dust myself off and make the next part of my life as unforgettable and memorable as it can be.  

I apologize for being bitchy today and seemingly angry.  I just am and it's okay.  Every day is a different emotion and reaction to choices that I made or failed to make.  I'm just doing the best I can and hope that you are all learning from my mistakes.  My hope is that my words and my journey can help you or someone you know even if it's just a little.  Make the best life for yourself.  Live fully and love unconditionally and please remember one thing -  yes, the grass may be greener on the other side but you better believe they have a higher water bill.

Hope + Faith = Action

Why do people think just because you are moving on with your life that you have no hope?  Today I was told that I have no faith because I'm not willing to wait for my wasband to change and come back home.  I, of all people have had the most hope of all.  I am a faith talker, positive thinker, change maker but mainly bright-sider.  I have spent the last few years of my life, hoping and praying, wishing and believing for change.  The truth is, the change I received wasn't the kind of change I was wishing and praying for.  When is time to call it quits and stop hoping?

For me, the answer is never.  I will always hope that my wasband looks at me and knows that he didn't make a mistake when he married me.  I didn't make a mistake when I chose him. I chose him because he was kind, loving and so much fun.  He was the kind of man I hoped to spend my life with.  I never thought this was how I would end up.  I made a mistake when I chose to put him and his needs over my own.  I HOPE that one day I can hear from him that he is sorry for hurting me that way he did and I HOPE that one day I will believe him.  Right now, I don't know the man that drops off my daughter.  I don't see him anymore.  I HOPE one day he does come back.  But for his own sake, not my own.

I will always HOPE that my daughter looks back at the time we spent together as a family of 3 and remember only the good times.  I will HOPE that my daughter doesn't hold any anger in her heart towards us for failing her.  I will HOPE that she understands why we left when we did.  I couldn't take the rejection any longer.  I HOPE she realizes her worth way before she ever dares to sacrifice herself at any cost.    I HOPE she is not like me.   I HOPE she is okay.

I will always have hope because hope leads to faith and faith leads to action. I want my hope and faith to speak for itself daily by my actions.   I want to get up every morning and live my life as though I have no choice.  I have to speak like I have no choice so I can be heard.  I can't care what people think about my decisions any longer.  This is my life.  I will choose to live it as I see fit.  I HOPE you understand.  I need to love myself because I have no choice. It's a privilege to love so I will do it daily and do it for myself.  I will not spend another day of my life hoping and waiting for someone who doesn't love me the way I love them.  I will love without conditions and hope that one day I find that in return.

I am looking forward to the next chapter of my life because it's hopeful,  Who knows what's out there for me and my daughter?  For once in my life, I'm hopeful for myself and no one else.  I'm not hoping for some man's happiness and approval to determine my own.  I'm putting myself first.  Here's to hoping for the best.  Living by faith.  And acting like you are worth it.

Prayers for my daughter

I'm back to square one.  Heartbreak.  I can't believe this is my life.  My daughter finally broke down and cried.  And cried.  She's confused and scared.  She doesn't understand why this is happening.  I honestly don't know what to tell her other than to trust God and that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.  It's so hard to teach faith when your faith is shaken.

But yet I will.  

I will teach my daughter that no matter what happens in your life the one true constant is God.  The one thing I will teach her is how to pray.  I will not fail her anymore.  I can't.  We pray together.  We don't pray that we are back together.  We pray that her parents are made whole again.  We pray that her daddy find happiness and that her mommy has strength.  We pray that God protects her heart and shows her that He is in control of everything.  We pray for peace when we are in a million pieces.  We pray for forgiveness as we forgive.  We just pray because when all else fails, what is left?    

The other day as she was crying and came to me and said she had been praying in her closet.  My little closet prayer warrior.  It made me proud that through mess she is finding the message.

My prayer:

Thank you Lord for this time I have with my daughter.  Thank You for teaching us that all we have to do is call Your name and You'll be here with us. I pray that she continue to grow in faith and learn the right way to handle situations through me and my example.  Let me be the light she needs Lord.  Let me be the lighthouse to You in this time of darkness.  Let Your peace surround her and guide her.  Give me the words to say that would reassure her and comfort her.  Thank you Lord for protecting her heart and not allowing this time to harden her heart towards us her parents.  Show her that we love her and are doing our best even though we don't know what to do.  Teach us to teach her.  Show us and let Your will be done in our lives.  I release the negative holds of the past and speak life to our family in whatever form it will be in. Love on us as her parents as we love on her.  Forgive us Lord.  I know we hurt her and failed her.  Forgive us.  Thank you Lord for this time that she and I have together.  Bind us together and bring us closer together.  In Your Name I pray.  Amen.